Sleepless

Once, not so long ago, I was able to fall asleep at the drop of a dime. Simply and slightly resting any part of my body from the shoulders up would result in complete REM. Not to the point that I needed to see a doctor, because it's just hereditary, it's what we do. These days my mind is so active, it's running as if its sole purpose is to act as a "to do" list. I have no thoughts of anything but what needs to be done next, which is welcoming in the respect that much needs to be done and I haven't forgotten anything crucial for sometime, but its certainly draining.

So what needs my attention, I ask? Life begs an answer of what will I do with my future. With a laundry list of goals and aspirations, I cannot seem to pinpoint the "right" road to take. Even if I just blindfolded myself and pointed to a path, would it coincide with the rest of my life's plans? I want to be a mother and not a hurried and career-driven wife in a way that it will deplete my marriage love.

Well, at least we're heading in a direction now. Let's apply for some jobs, you say. Hmm...5-10, 8-14 years experience needed? How can I get a shot at anything when my education, experience and goal-oriented ways can't match the expertise "required", not "preferred" in today's job market.

Was life always this complex? I find that in so many aspects I am more than thrilled and happy with my life, but when it comes to a career, the reality of what it is to be a 20-something in today's society is suffocating and scary. I'd simply like to lead a successful and admirable life. I'd like to earn some sort of monetary satisfaction from it, but I don't need glory. I am certainly not a feminist, because the idea that my husband can provide for us and I can raise our children has always been an ideal way of thinking for me. I would like to contribute and feel like I earned something, but I refuse to work enough to cover the cost of a stranger raising my children.

And you can say, I'm getting quite ahead of myself, since I don't yet have children, but wouldn't I be foolish if I didn't prepare for that? My body is preparing and as a couple we are excited and ready for the chance to be parents. Wouldn't I be a fool to ignore the fact that some planning is in order?

I think next time I write, maybe I can delve into whether or not its fair to bring a child into our uncertain world. After having this discussion with my father this week, there is a lot to say.

Maybe my mind is off task now and then, after all. "Wouldn't it be nice..."